Complex-PTSD love letter, Chappell Roan, and the making of a corporate balloon installation. (& tips for your balloon biz, balloon making if you're into that shiz)
I filmed this and hope to turn it into YouTube video. My complex PTSD will most likely delay that process so I’m sharing it here, now. Less overthinking more doing. Less starting, more finishing!
First, a thing I found on the internet about CPTSD that might explain me better than I can:
How to Support a Loved One with CPTSD
By Maxine Dolma
If you were to ask me what I would want a romantic partner to know about loving and lending me support while dealing with the reality of CPTSD, this is what I’d say:
I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Yes, I have a mental illness and you need to know that my CPTSD doesn’t mean I’m broken. It means I have a brain injury from trauma because someone I loved and trusted -who was supposed to take care of me- abused me instead. The abuse happened again and again over days, months, and years. I lived in a constant state of terror that caused my brain and body to be soaked in stress hormones. Living like this meant my nervous system and brain got wired to be sensitive to anything that reminds me of the abuse. These reminders are called triggers.
I could be triggered by anything: it could be the way that you breathe or shuffle your feet. It could even be the sunshine, a man with a beard, or a bite of a cookie that reminds me of my abuser or the abuse. I don’t always know when I’ll be triggered or how those triggers will affect me. I’ll do my best to let you know what my triggers are and work to deal with all the feelings that come up.
But sometimes, I’ll pull away from you and when I do, it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving you. What’s really happening is that I can’t cope with what’s going on in my mind and body and how I’m feeling. Instead of backing away from me because you think I don’t love you, I need you to be brave and ask me what I’m going through and how you can help. I don’t need you to fix me. I don’t need you to make my feelings or problems go away. I just need you to be patient and compassionate.
Sometimes, I’ll have a crisis where I am so triggered that I get stuck in a spiral of self-destructive talk, self-harm, or shame. Maybe I will experience an emotional or physical flashback where I’m remembering the abuse or feeling overwhelmed to the point where I can’t talk, and I retreat into my own mind or leave my body entirely. If it’s that intense, I’m in crisis.
When I’m in crisis, I need you to have so much patience and understand that the part of my brain that is usually able to talk, reason, and deal with feelings has shut down and I have stress hormones pumping through my body. I need you to know that I can’t control what I’m going through. And when I’m there, I hope we’ve talked about a crisis plan and that we’ve written it down so you can follow it right then, because I need you to do so that I am safe.
If things get bad, you’ll need to call my therapist or the crisis line, or emergency services. Yes, it might happen that you’ll be the person who makes the tough calls. Please stick to the plan we’ve created and stay calm. I know it’s hard; it’s probably the hardest thing you’ll have to do right then. Remember that I appreciate your bravery, your strength, and most of all your love.
If during our time together, you feel like it’s all too much and you can’t support me, please let me know. I can understand that you need time to take care of yourself. DO take care of yourself. If you need to see a therapist, I will support you as much as I can.
Have boundaries with me. Don’t hesitate. We need to keep things healthy between us. It helps me heal.
After all of this, you might still wonder how you can be a good partner. Show me you’re trustworthy, reliable, and compassionate. I can’t say this enough: understand that you don’t need to fix me or stop me from having my very messy, sometimes confusing feelings. Instead, I need you to practice detached compassion which means that you allow me space to have my feelings without reacting to them.
I also need you to remember that I’m responsible for my feelings, what I say, and what I do just as you are responsible for what you feel, say, and do. If I hurt you, don’t make excuses for me. If you hurt me, I need you to be responsible too.
If you are serious about wanting to stick around and be in my life, I need you to know where I’m at with therapy -if I invite you. But if I can’t, I’m not trying to keep you in the dark. It most likely means that it’s hard for me to deal with my own stuff right now and I just can’t share; I need to figure it out on my own.
I need you to know that it will take time for me to heal. And while I’m healing, I am taking my mind apart from its very foundations and working my way up. I will change. I will grow. Sometimes you won’t recognize me, but if I’m still here, know that I love you and I’m profoundly grateful for your love and support.
Original article from cptsdfoundation.org link here :)
Now on to thee balloons!
I randomly filmed these little videos about a last minute corporate balloon job I got for Tuesday. Sent a video to my girlfriend (whose at Boston Calling seeing Chappell Roan today; I’m soooo jealous!!!)
If you haven’t heard about rising star Chappell Roan, let me enlighten you with a few of my faves! Heather has introduced me to so many amazing queer musicians and I wince at straight music and men singers in general (unless they are gaaaaay).
Sidetracked again… BUT DO YOU LOVE HER?!
THE BALLOONS:
Please enjoy these three videos of my working on this balloon job for Medtronic in Boston. I share random information about starting a balloon business and give tips on best balloon inflators, where to invest you money and how to be a luxury balloon stylist. There’s also quirks about living in my house built in 1838. The name Ignatius Vinal is also painted on the plaque, but I can’t remember if that’s because he first owned it or built it… Additional balloons babbling includes Ultra HiFloat being a must, how I make my own weights in 30 second or less, color palette, helium tanks, tassels or “fringe” as some may say, my idol Jihan Zencirli aka Geronimo Balloon Troopers. On and on! It’s kinda cute, because eI’m kinda cute 🥰
Pretty much unedited, though I sped up my slow voice a tad and added some light background music. Edited on InShot, so excuse the quality. All music by Jeff Kaale.
Alright, my dudes!! I’ve got to eat a pizza slice, roll a fresh joint (Jack Herrera to cut Mac 1 👀) get back to balloonin’, and press send, so I can go to a cook out at my cousins Brady and Laura’s house. Then I might go see more live music at Levitate. Who knows where this day could lead.
With love and helium,
PS. My current idol is Snoop Dogg, thanks to this video “Why Snoop Dogg Joined Sketchers” from ALL THE SMOKE.
How to Support Fiona as an Artist:
Join the monthly stickers club on Patreon, where I focus more of my art making. I think I’ll rename it Fiona’s Art Club. I hope to share tutorials, my past work that I’ve never showcased (especially logo for some dope spots), my favorite Procreate Brushes, and peek inside the ugliness of my sketchbook!
Consider upgrading to a paid subscription. My 31st birthday deal pricing is still available until I remember to change it. YOUR WIN!!!
Share this post. Even of you don’t have the ability to contribute financially, sharing means the world to me!
Subscribe if you haven’t already! There’s a free tier :)