How To Not Care About What Other People Think

Spoiler Alert: I don't know.

Disclosure: This newsletter is a life update. You may not like what you read, and that’s okay. I am working really hard not to let my fear stop me from moving forward. If you unsubscribe because you don’t want to hear about my sex life, that’s totally okay! Not every letter will be about that. However, I might talk about that from time to time, because it’s part of my story. Recently, I came out and now I’m living my happy, gay little life! YAY! Speaking of, my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago. SHAME ALERT! No. I’m doing really well honestly. No, really, I am. I am. I have driven to the Boston area more times in the last week than in the last month. And my girl friend lived in Cambridge. I was all about her, and I’m really proud of myself for falling in love with a woman, discovering a woman’s body, going on dates with a woman, all of it! LOVED! 10/10! RECOMMEND! I’m a late bloomer lesbian and I’m so proud!

This email is not about my sex life :)

Did you notice I’m not doing balloons? Yep. Finally! I have said I’d stop so many times, but then did it because other people think it’s a good idea. My body, the one I have to live in, does not enjoy this. The crash. UGH. I will still make you balloons, though. You just have to ask! By appointment only. So exclusive.

I’d thought about offering graduation balloons and I’m glad I didn’t. The past two months have lead to a stronger foundation in my self belief.

What am I doing instead of balloons?

1. Learning to play poker

2. Attending lesbian block parties

3. Tearing up the dance floor at sapphic dance nights

4. talking about life with friends

5. making friends

6. Painting a mural

7. Painting a bunch of lobsters

8. painting period

9. ruminating on ideas for my first mural at Teenth District Brewing in Abington (eeeeeee!!!!!)

10. Going on dates

11. Eating tons of food and thankfully putting a bit of weight back on

12. Questioning life

13. Painting

14. Walking on the beach looking for treasure and guidance

15. devouring podcasts

At the end of May I took on one balloon job from a previous corporate client in Boston. I took extra care of myself leading up to and after the event! The experience was fruitful in many aspects of life, least of all my career. This month kicked off with a little balloon job that came through my website, becasue that’s still up 🤪

As soon as I feel like I have to hide one piece of myself, I’ve hidden all of myself. It happens so quickly! After a lot of thought, I know I do not want to run away anymore. I’m prone to freezing, shutting down. That’s my big F: Freeze.

How does one stop freezing? First, by noticing you are frozen.

✅ I have to accept it.
✅ Cool, that’s done now.

I’m trying really hard to figure out what is stopping me from sending my this newsletter. This has to do with a hang up talking us back to the very title…

How To Not Care About What Other People Think

A couple people have given me unsolicited advice about my newsletter, which makes me a little uneasy and a lot scared to press send. Not because I am affected by these particular opinions, but I’m prone to bending to other’s influence. This makes sense!! I was raised to be what my mom wanted and needed. We were practically inseparable for 28 years, excluding the many times I tried (unsuccessfully) escape. Whoops! I wonder if I was addicted to the drama, hysteria of it all. But that doesn’t seem right. I think she is just really scary and was wildly abusive. The fear lives in my bones.

Deep breath.

I can slow

d o w n.

I can be in

this moment

and

be unafraid.

I don’t have a clue how to do this, but most happy people seem to be happy because they don’t give a furry little turd abut other people’s opinions of them. Old ladies are always telling me that life gets so much better when you stop caring. As I’d say, “stop giving a fuck.” JUST BE YOURSELF. Unapologetically. I think a lot of people tell us this, especially to those of us who identify as women. This world wasn’t made for us to take up space.

Of course I’m worried what other people think! Please, don’t tell me what you think, unless it is cheerleading, I guess. If I need help, I will ask. I have to learn to trust myself. These are my word, my trauma, my experience. I’m working through it and want to document. No longer do I lose hours to doom scrolling, because I don’t use instagram. This is where I’m going to dump all my long winded anecdotes. I’m trying to find the antidote!

Notes to my future self.

📝 It is really hard to write my newsletter when your desk is messy. So, clean it. But also send this newsletter.

📝 We want to come back from a date with a girl and make art. Hello!? Where have I been for the past few months? I think dating collided with my art making and writing practices.

📝 If it seems embarrassing, you’re probably learning and growing. Ripping the band-aid: I felt shame about not being able to afford the second half of the art retreat. THERE I SAID IT! I told you i’d do something and I failed to do so. Except, this is not a failure. It’s a bump. I have been so embarrassed to tell you this. Whyyyyyyyyyy? Because of the things my mom instilled in my brain. Do you want to know how I’m doing so well? From not being my mom.

📝 Change the dang title, already.

New Title: Not My Mother’s Daughter

I want to draw this so bad, but I keep letting the fear of my art not being perfect enough or presented in the most impressive way stop me. So how do I move forward?

BY BEING AFRAID AND DOING IT ANYWAY.

So now, deep breath.

We’re doing it. Together. You and me.

I have to make the art, but I’m going to do it quickly. With you as my witness I am setting a five minute timer to letter the illustration. In the case that my iPad is dead, I will letter it by hand, with a pen, take a photo and go from there. No time wasted, baby!

5 minutes later…. It’s hard to do anything when my desk is dirty. I have to clean that to find the Apple Pencil. Soooo…. I guess it’s hand lettering by my little hand. eeee. This is probably when I wanted all along, isn’t it?

Sea glass I’ve collected over the last three months 💚

I’ll be honest with you. I’m terrified of my mother.

Isn’t that absurd? She’s over a thousand miles away from me. BUT SHE IS SO SCARY! Like, I really thought she would kill me. Awhile back my friend recommended the book Emma In The Night, which is the first time I’d read a character like my mom. It’s scary and I loved it! I’ve wanted to tell you about this for FOREVER!!! AND I AM TOO ASHAMED. Why? WHY!!!!!!!

*slams head into desk*

I have a new litmus test. It might sound like my mom has power in it, but I promise you she does not. So, it goes like this.

1. I ask myself, “Is X like her or is X like me?”

2. Am I winning? Or is my mom she winning?

3. It doesn’t actually matter if she’s winning or not, the focus is on me winning. Because I don’t care what happens to her or how she lives her life. This is one of our biggest differences. One I’m extremely proud of. As much as I share the truth of what my mother has done to me, I do not spread any information I know to be false. And we all know I don’t have bipolar disorder. So there. Let’s get this out of the way. She has told soooooo many people this. I cannot even with her. What a nut!! I don’t want anything bad to happen to her, and I don’t think I wish her any ill will, as they say. But also, she can kick rocks with open toed shoes, if you know what I’m sayin.

4. Do the opposite of anything your mom would do.

Anything more than my ability to say “No” confidently is something I need to work on.

Something I have wanted to come into existence since I left Nashville. I will tell everyone and their dog about this experience in person. I have told the story aloud so many times. I am no longer afraid to tell people. Do I need to tell a girl this on the second date? No. And probably not on the first either, but I did today! Because I am no longer ashamed. In fact, I am really damn proud of myself for the entire experience.

Special treat for you is a progress picture from working in Procreate on my new logo for this newsletter. Turns out, the logo is typically verrrrry small, so I’m going to maybe eliminate some details for clarity where it lives here on Substack.

I just want to be me! Unfortunately for me this is all new territory. So it takes a lot of practice.

Fret not, dear friend, I’m having a hell of a good time!

Talk soon!