Speed dating, weed slaying my depression, and dirt under fingernails

I love who I am right now. Fighting like hell to get out of this depression. It still weighs heavy. I think I've shed chunks of my trauma, only to create space for new feelings and old memories.

Dear Dad: even if there are spelling mistakes I don’t think I want to know.

Dear Dad and everyone else: I worry a lot about writing here and sounding stupid. My sisters and I were’t taught the art of trying. I distinctly remember when she learned this catch phrase about trying. “Try? You’re going to try? Here! Hold this pen. Now TRY to drop it. There is no try, you either drop the pen or you don’t” Looking back I wish I had dropped the pen from one hand, caught its in the other and promptly chucked it at her head. Instead I parroted this garishly black and white thinking to anyone who had the gal to try anything. My mother hurt me so repetitively that I became numb to causing pain unto others. My mom actively hates when I share about this, so I’m going to keep telling you. I might be so obsessed with true crime, because my life was a little bit of true crime.

The other reason I feel my writing isn’t worth sharing is a 17 year old boy who texted me “all your messages are written in the same sentence structure.” What a prick.

This is the season of being scared and doing it anyway.

It’s Friday and something thrilling occurred this morning: I finished my first morning pages journal!!! The feeling is warm, fuzzy and has completely altered my day. Thirty minutes ago I was groggily clawing out of depression canyon. Now I’m beaming with pride, finally having the courage to share again. At least for the moment. Like I said last week, my confidence comes in peaks and valleys. The past few months I’ve been learning to ride the high as hard as I can.

Filling the journal is major because:
-I am showing myself I have the ability to be consistent
-my daily journaling has helped inspire creativity and work through ideas
-I’m no longer letting the fear of using my materials “incorrectly” stop me from making art
-almost daily I circle back to my WHY. It’s all about thee why.

Each day I write 3 pages or set a timer for 10 minutes if I need boundaries. Today I sat down to the page with an idea in mind, cozied myself up, grabbed my neon orange journal and surprise! I’m on the last page. What a moment to be alive!

I currently write in a most beautiful notebook. It’s German and for sale at places that sell $500 candles created solely to live in your fire place instead of a fire. The notebook and I found each other while on a buying trip for the gift shop I owned in Nashville called Harlan Ruby. The notebooks were out of our customers’ price range, therefore not a fit for the store, but I could still get a couple for me!

You probably aren’t surprised to know I am incredibly picky about a notebook. Pages must be smooth, okay, and they better not be in anyway see through. I want to write front and back with nary a bleed mark! Around 2017 I started bullet journaling, so I’m now quite partial to a faint dot grid. Before my sketchbook of choice was Rhodiagraph paper, square, spiral bound. Unfortunately for Rhodia, that sweetie reminds me way too much of working way too hard. My shoulders tense just thinking about it.

Holding this neon orange notebook, beautifully crafted in Germany, I find myself scared to look up the price. It was $4,500 Chanel Purse Fiona who acquired the journal. $4,500 Chanel Purse Fiona and Old Navy Jeans Fiona don’t do much more than stare at each other with the utter confusion of Jamie Lee Curtis slaying her role as Anna Coleman in the wrong body.

Update: My notebook has it’s own life story.

nuuna is an iconic notebook line from brandbook made with extraordinary, cover materials, premium paper, powerful colors and uncompromising attention to detail. Our nuuna collection is absolutely indispensable for creative professionals and lovers of stationery products. All our products are eco-friendly use recyclable, or vegan materials and are manufactured locally in Germany with 100% passion.
Please consider that Nuna notebooks can be highly addictive.
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Notebook L Here’s the closest I can find to my neon coral/red/orange. Typical retail price is $30-$35 USD with sale styles as low as $17.33 USD. I also have this cute yellow one which is full of balloon formulas, pricing and my best business secrets lol :)

If you’re in the market for a highly addictive, and wonderfully enjoyable notebook, go nuuna. Now, will someone please tell me what to go for if I’m not able to shell out $35 on my next journal?

5 things getting me through the week’s depression:

1. The Curious Case of Natalia Grace: Natalia Speaks.
   Last week I slowly waded through season one. Season two is powerful. Hearing Natalia share her story is rocking me to my core. So much of what Kristine did to abuse Natalia are things my mom did to us. The manipulation and abuse hidden behind the disguise of what these mothers project as “such good parent I am” is sickening and familiar. Our mothers said love was starvation, beating, shredding us with the venom of their hate. There are quite a few high profile cases happening right now: Gypsy Rose Blanchard on parole, Ruby Frankee, Jodi Hildebrandt pleading guilty to torturing children, Natalia’s story captivating the nation. I hope more girls and women know they are not alone. Maybe my step father or steep-grandparents or step-aunt will watch and be able to understand what out moth did to us, is still doing to one of us. Why do mothers get away with this abuse for so long? This all sounds like “how could it possibly be helping your depression, Fiona??” I’m unearthing core memories of abuse at the hand of my own mother and saying them out loud.

2. Gflip covering “Cruel Summer” on Like a Version is the lesbian rock anthem of 2024. “Bad, bad girl, shiny pearl” 🥵 Dare I say it is BETTER than Taylor Swift’s? For lesbian science, I’ve listened no less than 100 times. With the emphasis on all the parts I wish Blondie would have been inflicting with some solid inflection, I can scream this song for hours on end. Please listen, they are such a badass!

3. Cherry + Coke slurpees from 7eleven and expired but still satisfying Reeese’s Cups with Potato chips inside. They don’t really expire, do they?

4. Cannabis strain Sunshine Daydream #4.

5. Putting my hands in dirt.